Ugh. I feel inadequate, as if all I can do is goof up and make mistakes.
I began to fret over my annual physical last week. I thought about it a few dozen times over the weekend. Last night, I slept poorly and had sinister pap smear dreams.
It isn’t that the exam’s physical component invades me. Rather, the exam intrudes on my routine and includes discussing things I worry about on a regular basis (moles, arthritis, insomnia, insanity).
I discuss these issues with a doctor I barely know. I am afraid that she will think I am certifiable due to my anxiety at appointments. I am afraid she will not take me seriously, as if I were only half a person.
When the receptionist told me that I showed up at the wrong time I was crestfallen. I spent all this time fretting, I had made my lists and done my self talk and I MISSED MY APPOINTMENT. I did not feel relieved. I felt ridiculous.
Last week I missed Tyoma’s kindergarten Open House because I skimmed over the announcement. I forgave myself because they have been sending home 1,000 handouts. Yet, I pride myself on fulfilling my responsibilities. It hurts me to fail, even in small things.
Tomorrow, I am whisking away my worries. I plan to go to the recycle center, draw, paint, and over-cook some rice.