Ugh. I feel inadequate, as if all I can do is goof up and make mistakes.

I began to fret over my annual physical last week. I thought about it a few dozen times over the weekend. Last night, I slept poorly and had sinister pap smear dreams.

It isn’t that the exam’s physical component invades me.  Rather, the exam intrudes on my routine and includes discussing things I worry about on a regular basis (moles, arthritis, insomnia, insanity).

I discuss these issues with a doctor I barely know. I am afraid that she will think I am certifiable due to my anxiety at appointments. I am afraid she will not take me seriously, as if I were only half a person.

When the receptionist told me that I showed up at the wrong time I was crestfallen. I spent all this time fretting, I had made my lists and done my self talk and I MISSED MY APPOINTMENT. I did not feel relieved. I felt ridiculous.

Last week I missed Tyoma’s kindergarten Open House because I skimmed over the announcement. I forgave myself because they have been sending home 1,000 handouts. Yet, I pride myself on fulfilling my responsibilities. It hurts me to fail, even in small things.

Tomorrow, I am whisking away my worries. I plan to go to the recycle center, draw, paint, and over-cook some rice.

Comments

  1. Sue Aside says:

    Oh my god! I can so relate to this! Thank you for sharing what I think every person feel when they have a physical done … or when they miss an appointment, or fail at something simple. Reading this post made me feel Halfway Normal.

  2. Oh! Thanks Sue! I have been fogetting everything lately. I feel so scatterbrained! It such a boost to hear that you feel that way sometimes, too! It seems as if I have been doing nothing but losing keys and misplacing my watch. It’s all a form of worry, really. Worry thoughts buzz a bit louder than my “watch is on the counter” thoughts!

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