Today I am prostrate because yesterday, I accompanied Liev on his field trip. I question myself. Am I not entirely right in the head? Are others judging me as harshly as I assume? The other mothers, with their typical kids, relished the new sights and sounds around them with contained excitement and enthusiasm. For Liev, the trip became indigestible and he regurgitated gobs of complaint. The pall it cast over others was palpable. Although rattled by the meltdown I averted, I still joked and smiled. Somewhere I read you should always look in control even if you are dizzy with terror. Is this face-saving more functional for them or for me?
I felt judged. Judged by other mothers, judged by the teachers working with Liev, and judged by myself, too. Holding a microscope to such a small event is a way to subvert yourself. Fortunately, I shoved all that out of my mind and enjoyed the trip. I tell you; it was hard work second-guessing myself!
Why am I gripped with doubt? Honestly, I’ve always agonized over my choices and struggle with uncertainty in general. Writing this confessional is liberating. By learning about Liev’s atypical neurological wiring, I encounter reams of material applying to me as well. People by the thousands also struggle like me. If someone finds themselves as lost, anxious, and depressed as I have, I write for them. At last, some purpose beyond my mother/housewife role.
I find value as a caretaker, but I question the merit of folding towels and frying chicken. My dreams as a young woman sputtered out with utter regularity. I bailed on engineering, mathematics, and psychiatric work. Yet here I am, in a lovely home with a marvelous husband and a brilliant child. My health is sound, finances are stable, and I am safe and well-fed. I am unfulfilled, nevertheless.
I hope to find this in my art and writing, but since Midsomer, all I can think to do is organize my art supplies or rip pages out of books for collage. I excel in collecting and organizing, but I am paralyzed by the actual creation. I wish I understood my creative blocks and how to overcome them,