Tyoma’s ability to tolerate crowds has increased. He is able to amuse himself at a moderately crowded playground. No screaming meltdowns! He chats with himself and spontaneously greets others (something he never did before).

He has been picking up on social cues from others in about two outings out of three. He keeps out of the way of older, rowdy kids. He waits his turn and is cautious of smaller children. He still does not initiate play, but he observes others playing with toys and imitates what others do. Wow. What great data gathering on my part. Should have gone clinical…

As I smiled and made pointless small talk with the other mothers, I noticed how perfect everyones teeth were. Highlights, cute jeans, snazzy shoes, fancy phones and dazzling straight white teeth. I never gave too much thought to investing in such a smile and I can’t decide if I’m off-put, or jealous.

I’m definitely feeling depressed and sad.  It’s like I can’t move and the smallest effort takes every bit of resolve I have.  I just haven’t been the same since mom left.  That last quarrel with her squashed something vital in me.  It’s not her fault, but I have so much to do now that I just don’t have so much extra for her. Is it unrealistic for me to expect so much from my mother?

She raised me and always had the answers. But now I am doing things on my own and I need some time to take care of my husband and do something for us as a couple without the distraction of drama or hurt feelings.  It’s funny. Ask too much of Tanya and she’s there for you, ask too much from mom and she’ll freak out. And reverse, ask too little of Tanya and she’ll freak where my mom is pretty happy reading books and doing little.  I realize that it’s over-simplistic, but I need to strike a better balance with the other women in my life.

With Papa

Papa with T as I take a coping break.

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