I feel like I am the only one concerned that Liev is not speaking much.  They say that mothers just know when something is not right with their child. So, I wonder. Is his pattern of losing words and not speaking a big deal? Is he not learning to speak because I get and do everything for him?

Still, when I consider my neurotic, imaginative disposition, I realize this is probably nothing. Mom thinks it’s nothing. Tanya thinks it’s nothing, too.  When we were in ‘Cruces, Tanya said that Egor didn’t speak until he was older than two.  Now she says she can’t remember, but boys always talk later.  Tanya tells dozens of anecdotes about it. I need to chill.

But!  When I consult google, I realize that he is behind. He is nowhere near using two-word sentences. He uses one word consistently.  It is so strange.  He’ll blurt out some random word, and it sounds incredible, but then it’s gone into the abyss.  I should not be too worried, though.  He knows what things are.  We have lots of picture books, and he can point to the pictures.  He also knows at least 12 colors–he can pick them out across a variety of places. He knows the letters of the alphabet, especially X, which he points out with much enthusiasm everywhere we go.

My anxiety overwhelms me. I don’t have a guide, a roadmap for this and the conflict between my gut, the doctors, and the information I can find is tearing me apart. Am I my own worse enemy? Is the medical system predatory? Is there too much information and too little experience to put it into perspective. I fear so. This is why humanity loves priests. They give you a recipe and a proclamation and you situation is absolved. Perhaps this is what is happening but with different characters, and the anointed are professionals. I question them as I should. Well, at least I won’t be burnt at the stake for this. Not literally. These sleepless nights are their own immolation.

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