Yeah, this is so backdated. And also so unfinished.

Since it will take me an eternity to post my birthstory in its entirety and I am such a perfectionist, I’ll just post a timeline, otherwise Artyom will be in college before I finish.

12:10 am Contractions wake me up. I time them to see how regular they are. I am excited that they are painful and regular, but not too excited. This will be the fourth morning in a row that this has happened.

2:15 Woke up Tennisfiend to help time contractions, they are becoming more painful and regular. Yay!
4:00 Continued contractions, resisted the urge to call birth partners (Momfiend and Ewbliette).
5:45 Contractions slowing down, irregular. This sucks! Thank heavens I have an appointment scheduled this morning.
7:00 called Ewbliette to give her a heads up before work. I felt rather stressed, can’t recall exactly what I said to her! I reckon I was incoherent.
9:30 am Ultrasound reveals that amniotic fluid is very, very low. Labor needed to be induced this morning for the well being of the baby. Sarah Seamstress, our midwife, told us we have time to stop by the house to pick up our bags.
10:30 Bags in the car, we are on our way to the hospital. TF calls Moscow, I call Momfiend and Ewbliette. 10:45 Waiting to be admitted. Seems to take forever! Patricia meets us at the hospital (her co-workers rejoice) She brings a ton of trashy tabloid magazines (including the World Weekly News, which I aspire to write for!). A true friend indeed!
11:30 Finally we have a room. It is very nice, like a hotel suite almost. We treat it like a hotel, filling up all the cabinets with our stuff–pillows, bags, drinks, books. It looks like a bunch of nerds are going to have a sleep over.
12:30 Momfiend arrives. She is bringing even more stuff with her. Her 42” expedition back pack is loaded down so heavily that she needs TF to help her remove it. I contemplate the logistics of Momfiend and the backpack, wondering how she ever managed to get it on her back in the first place. Everyone is jolly, joking and cheerful, this definitely feels like a sleepover!
12:45 Sarah Seamstress visits and performs an internal exam; she gives me a tablet to induce labor. IV is inserted, I am remarkably not as freaked out by it as I thought I would be.
1:05 Contractions begin again, and these puppies are really painful. My team hunkers around me: Ewbliette coaches my breathing, Momfiend times each contraction and Tennisfiend pets my head. I alternately contemplate my dad’s moonstone and Ewbliette’s eyes. The contractions begin to come just minutes apart close and the pain intensifies. This is absolutely unbelievable. I am practically screaming my “hee-hee” breathing as Ewbliette coaches me. Mom squeezes my hand as if she could take some of the pain away herself.
1:25 Despite my resolve to avoid painkillers, I ask for Stadol to hold me over until the epidural. The Stadol doesn’t take away the pain, but it helps me relax enough for the epidural.
1:35 Sarah Seamstress does another internal exam, I am dilated between 4 and 5 cm, time for an epidural! If I weren’t so preoccupied with contractions, I’d be more cognizant of my gratitude.
1:40 The epidural team clears the room, a very Nordic looking nurse talks me through contractions as her older twin sister applies the epidural. Relief takes some time, but when it finally hits, it is complete. I am comforted, knowing that after several sleepless nights, I can get some rest.
2:00 Very cold. Momfiend and Ewbliette haul out my sweater and socks. Once I warm up, I alternate between resting and chatting with my birth partners. I look across the room to see TF browsing through The Globe. Momfiend has on her giant eye reading glasses and peruses a detective novel. Ewbliette is just out of my field of view, but I bet she’s reading The Weekly World News. Some rednecks caught Osama in Alabama, you know. I feel wonderfully fortunate.
4:00 A nurse rolls me on my side to help Artyom’s heart rate. 4:10 The nurse returns to roll me onto my other side.
4:30 It’s time to begin pushing. Tennisfiend leaves us, expecting to have his son in his arms within the next hour. Our team is so ready! We have been practicing with our DVD for the past few weeks. Ewbliette will count out loud “One, two, three, PUSH! Four, five, six, PUSH! Seven, eight, nine, PUSH!” While Momfiend supports my legs and knees, and fetches a damp washcloth in between contractions. 5:00 Contractions are not strong enough, they add pitocin to the IV to make them stronger.
5:15 Pushing is hard with an epidural! I can feel when to push, but not exactly how to push. Sarah has her fingers (hand?!) in my hoo-hah and presses down, to tell me to push “there.” She tells me 40,000 times how to hold my legs. Every bit of success is met with cheers by my midwife, birth partners and whatever staff also happens to be in the room.
5:45 Lost bowel control, pooped all over the place. I had wanted to take an enema before leaving for the hospital, but since my amniotic fluid was so low, I was worried about harming Artyom. Anyway, nothing a few tasteless jokes can’t fix. Although the nurses have probably heard them all, I relish the chance to make Momfiend and Ewbliette chuckle. Wish I could remember exactly what I said!
6:00 Still pushing, though I am getting better. I am pushing at every contraction. Bless the epidural, I would be so tired now without it.
6:30 Still pushing. I have enough energy to joke in between contractions.
7:00 Still pushing. Not so many jokes now. I appreciate Ewbliette’s loud coaching and worry about my Mom’s hip since she is holding my left leg.
7:38 Artyom is stuck in my birth canal. Sarah calls Dr. Aggitator to bring the forceps/vacuum extractor. He will arrive in ten minutes.
7:40 Sarah tells me to keep pushing, we might make it without the forceps. She guides my hand down to feel Tyoma’s little head. I burst into tears and push like a motherf***er.
7:47 Two pushes later, I squeeze him out without the aid of forceps! They put him on my belly and I weep copiously. To be continued…

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