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Every time the Olympics roll around, I watch the opening ceremonies anticipating a certain cheese factor. When Athens hosted the most recent summer games, their opening ceremonies were the most spectacular I’ve ever witnessed.

Stylish and sophisticated, they paid tribute to the history of Greece and the Olympics with dignity and good taste. The Athens Olympics also cost the country over 12 billion dollars, so I didn’t hold my breath for Turin’s opening ceremonies. Anyway, here’s my little commentary on Friday’s ceremonies:

• Maybe I’ve seen Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex one too may times, but the white hooded performers looked like sperm on ice.
• If I had a deep throaty voice like Mary Ann Carrillo, I would pick up every time a telemarketer called. Heck, I’d even moonlight as a telemarketer! “Hello, this is the XYZ Policestate Foundation, what are you wearing…”
• Fire the person who recommended the skating pine trees and revolving cows.
• The skiing man composed of ice skaters made my evening. It worked better than all of the other skating combined. Whee!
• American Olympiads have the most beautiful teeth in the world. • I want the sun and moon balloons for my backyard.
• Luciano Pavorotti needs to tone down the coal black beard and hair dye. • Fireworks! You can never have enough fireworks!

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