The Test

We are trying for a baby again. This marks attempt number four since I lost the three previous pregnancies. The first was the most difficult as I was the furthest along. Days after I felt the first flutter of baby one, he passed on. My body did not acknowledge this, so I discovered during a routine ultrasound. I knew my little one died before the technician told me, I read her face as she searched for the heartbeat.

Recently, Egor and I had a full fertility workup, genetic tests, hormone levels, and so on. All was well, except for the fact that I am in my late thirties. The doctor recommended I take aspirin this time along and progesterone in the evening.

My goal is to force myself calm. I worry that my anxiety will harm my child, much as my ancestors feared that frights cause birth defects. I vow to do everything in my power to grow this little life in the best environment possible. Everything I can do, I will, even if it means changing my character for the next nine months, or the rest of my life.

Tonight is one of my fertile nights. We shall see. Waiting for the early pregnancy test will be agonizing. Perhaps the true test will be to keep calm as each milestone creeps past.

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